We sit here and punch buttons all day with a feint sense of purpose and self-worth. Then you see a photo like this and realize there are people who do this sort of thing for a living. Sure, he probably got worked over on the reef on the way in, but is that any worse than spending your 20s in an office? Think about it.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Guy Punches A Tiger Square In The Face
There are defining moments in every man's life. For the rest of his, he'll be the guy that beat up a jungle cat with his bare hands. Can you imagine breaking that out at Thanksgiving dinner? It doesn't matter that it was in captivity or that it was probably a baby. It doesn't matter that he's the sort of person that works in zoo cages. That's all in the past now.
Take a minute to examine what the life of a zoo cage worker is probably like: He got married way too early. His wife cheated on him with Hank in the zoo executive offices because Hank drives a BMW. His kids like mommy better than daddy despite the fact that daddy pays the electric bill. He comes home to his terrible trailer every night smelling of elephant dung and crushed dreams. Mommy spends every last dime of her alimony check on bags and dating younger men. She also paid for a boob job that daddy wants to see more than anything in the world but he can't because mommy's a vindictive evil bitch. This has led him to develop a nasty vodka habit rooted in the fact that he feels alone. He's just too old and gruff to restart in the bar scene and that's the sort of the state of life limbo he's in right now.
That was yesterday. This is today. And as of today only one thing matters: There was a large wild eating factory that posed danger to him, and he dismissed the threat like it was Dom Flamenco in Punchout.
Kurt Gibson will always have hit that home run, Dan Fouts will always have the consecutive 200+yds/game record [lol Drew Brees], and this guy will have always beat up a tiger without hesitation. Sometimes you just have to tip your cap.
Mental Break: Bolts N' Boobs
Take a deep breath, ease the seat back, relax, and remind yourself that it's snowing somewhere in America right now.
Kobe Vs. Messi Commercial
Cute. Nice little fictional setup going on here. Here's the real question: does Turkish airlines actually thing that Messi can beat Kobe Bryant in anything? Achilles or not Kobe is the fiercest competitor of our generation outside of MJ and that is not up for debate. And I'm a Clippers fan.
New Study Ranks The Top 10 American Cities For Casual Sex
HUFFPO: Unless you're reading this in Portland, the most promiscuous city in the nation, you have some work to do -- at least according to OkCupid.com. The start-up dating site has taken on the envious job of determining which cities are most likely to engage in casual sex. Along the way, they've also compiled some sex-related infographics correlating the mundane and the risque (for instance, a ven-diagram of 'people who eat oatmeal,' and 'people who, like, really go at it').
- Portland
- Seattle
- Pittsburg
- Miami
- San Francisco
- Dallas
- San Bernardino
- Denver
- San Diego
- Houston
This is textbook number-rigging if I've ever seen it. Just like in The Wire when Burrell cooked the books for COMSTAT to make it look like the BPD was arresting people.
If you want to go up to Portland and go on a smash-spree with the dread-lock sporting, hairy-leg having, smelly "natural" bush keeping hippy chicks, well then you go right ahead and do it. Expect NO competition from me. Straight up "casual" sex doesn't mean good or even desirable sex. That's why it's casual, it's easy, there's no competition whatsoever. It's like buying turkey stuffing on the day after thanksgiving or Christmas Trees on New Years or Kim Kardashian after Ray J's man-bat got to her. It's easy to get because there's no competition because nobody actually wants it.
The same goes for Seattle and Pittsburg. Have you seen the people that live in Pittsburg? It's like the opening scene of Borat except a lot less funny and with a considerably smaller domestic GDP. How's the steel industry doing guys? Oh not so great since the Industrial Revolution? Keep your fingers crossed I guess.
What's not to be overlooked here is that three of the top 10 on this list are in CA. Also, the hottest girls in the WORLD live in San Diego. That is no an exaggeration. Name one city that has a more supreme crop. You can't do it. Fuck this list, viva San Diego.
SnapChat Bro Buys $2.1 Million House In Venice
Look I have no idea how Snapchat makes any money. Nobody does. There's no advertising or subscription fees or deals with Facebook. All I know is that this guy made a conduit for girls to send me naked photos and for that I am indebted to him. I also know that he just turned down $3 BILLION for his company. He has arrived, he is a mogul.
That being said; Is this the shittiest mogul house of all time? It looks like he's living in the set of Hollywood Squares and that fat blonde guy with the red glasses is just gonna pop up and drop one liners in his face. Sweet square bro! Maybe I'll see you buying TP in bulk down at Shoppers with the rest of the us poor people living in 2 bedroom houses just like you.
When you're turning down $3 billion deals without batting an eye, you can accept nothing less than a mansion with a moat and some sort of exotic animal farm and a full basketball court. The Snapchat logo is to be on said basketball court as well as a jumbo-sized iPad under said court so girls could send you snapchats while you play knockout. Anything less than that is insulting. Get a real house like a normal rich person and stop living like the blockheads from Gumby.
As an aside: These plastic "futuristic" round chairs are the worst things ever. Give me plush la-z-boys or give me death. I guess if you're living in a giant lunch box on the beach this is your cup of tea though. Embarrassing.
West Virginia Cat Fight Featuring Textbook Mandible Claw
First Of All
Yes
Yes
Looks Like My Old Catchers Mitt But Still Yes
Street Fighting 101: The Mandible Claw
This isn't your standard girl fight what with hair pulling and flailing open hand slaps and bags and tampons flying everywhere. And yes I understand that this is part of a pre-meditated television show so this was probably choreographed to the nines-- But I also assume that this is par for the course in West Virginia everywhere else there aren't cameras. Just Appalachians going nowhere with nothing to do but meth and hone their fighting technique. That move, the mandible claw, is pre-meditated and savage and has probably been taught to her through some sort of redneck hillbilly fight club up the holler. Translation I have the oddest fear half-chub of my life.
But seriously -- girl in pink -- call me, if you can get one of those kids from MTVs Buckwild to drive you into town to the pay phone.
PS: RIP Shain Gandee
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