We sit here and punch buttons all day with a feint sense of purpose and self-worth. Then you see a photo like this and realize there are people who do this sort of thing for a living. Sure, he probably got worked over on the reef on the way in, but is that any worse than spending your 20s in an office? Think about it.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Guy Punches A Tiger Square In The Face
There are defining moments in every man's life. For the rest of his, he'll be the guy that beat up a jungle cat with his bare hands. Can you imagine breaking that out at Thanksgiving dinner? It doesn't matter that it was in captivity or that it was probably a baby. It doesn't matter that he's the sort of person that works in zoo cages. That's all in the past now.
Take a minute to examine what the life of a zoo cage worker is probably like: He got married way too early. His wife cheated on him with Hank in the zoo executive offices because Hank drives a BMW. His kids like mommy better than daddy despite the fact that daddy pays the electric bill. He comes home to his terrible trailer every night smelling of elephant dung and crushed dreams. Mommy spends every last dime of her alimony check on bags and dating younger men. She also paid for a boob job that daddy wants to see more than anything in the world but he can't because mommy's a vindictive evil bitch. This has led him to develop a nasty vodka habit rooted in the fact that he feels alone. He's just too old and gruff to restart in the bar scene and that's the sort of the state of life limbo he's in right now.
That was yesterday. This is today. And as of today only one thing matters: There was a large wild eating factory that posed danger to him, and he dismissed the threat like it was Dom Flamenco in Punchout.
Kurt Gibson will always have hit that home run, Dan Fouts will always have the consecutive 200+yds/game record [lol Drew Brees], and this guy will have always beat up a tiger without hesitation. Sometimes you just have to tip your cap.
Mental Break: Bolts N' Boobs
Take a deep breath, ease the seat back, relax, and remind yourself that it's snowing somewhere in America right now.
Kobe Vs. Messi Commercial
Cute. Nice little fictional setup going on here. Here's the real question: does Turkish airlines actually thing that Messi can beat Kobe Bryant in anything? Achilles or not Kobe is the fiercest competitor of our generation outside of MJ and that is not up for debate. And I'm a Clippers fan.
New Study Ranks The Top 10 American Cities For Casual Sex
HUFFPO: Unless you're reading this in Portland, the most promiscuous city in the nation, you have some work to do -- at least according to OkCupid.com. The start-up dating site has taken on the envious job of determining which cities are most likely to engage in casual sex. Along the way, they've also compiled some sex-related infographics correlating the mundane and the risque (for instance, a ven-diagram of 'people who eat oatmeal,' and 'people who, like, really go at it').
- Portland
- Seattle
- Pittsburg
- Miami
- San Francisco
- Dallas
- San Bernardino
- Denver
- San Diego
- Houston
This is textbook number-rigging if I've ever seen it. Just like in The Wire when Burrell cooked the books for COMSTAT to make it look like the BPD was arresting people.
If you want to go up to Portland and go on a smash-spree with the dread-lock sporting, hairy-leg having, smelly "natural" bush keeping hippy chicks, well then you go right ahead and do it. Expect NO competition from me. Straight up "casual" sex doesn't mean good or even desirable sex. That's why it's casual, it's easy, there's no competition whatsoever. It's like buying turkey stuffing on the day after thanksgiving or Christmas Trees on New Years or Kim Kardashian after Ray J's man-bat got to her. It's easy to get because there's no competition because nobody actually wants it.
The same goes for Seattle and Pittsburg. Have you seen the people that live in Pittsburg? It's like the opening scene of Borat except a lot less funny and with a considerably smaller domestic GDP. How's the steel industry doing guys? Oh not so great since the Industrial Revolution? Keep your fingers crossed I guess.
What's not to be overlooked here is that three of the top 10 on this list are in CA. Also, the hottest girls in the WORLD live in San Diego. That is no an exaggeration. Name one city that has a more supreme crop. You can't do it. Fuck this list, viva San Diego.
SnapChat Bro Buys $2.1 Million House In Venice
Look I have no idea how Snapchat makes any money. Nobody does. There's no advertising or subscription fees or deals with Facebook. All I know is that this guy made a conduit for girls to send me naked photos and for that I am indebted to him. I also know that he just turned down $3 BILLION for his company. He has arrived, he is a mogul.
That being said; Is this the shittiest mogul house of all time? It looks like he's living in the set of Hollywood Squares and that fat blonde guy with the red glasses is just gonna pop up and drop one liners in his face. Sweet square bro! Maybe I'll see you buying TP in bulk down at Shoppers with the rest of the us poor people living in 2 bedroom houses just like you.
When you're turning down $3 billion deals without batting an eye, you can accept nothing less than a mansion with a moat and some sort of exotic animal farm and a full basketball court. The Snapchat logo is to be on said basketball court as well as a jumbo-sized iPad under said court so girls could send you snapchats while you play knockout. Anything less than that is insulting. Get a real house like a normal rich person and stop living like the blockheads from Gumby.
As an aside: These plastic "futuristic" round chairs are the worst things ever. Give me plush la-z-boys or give me death. I guess if you're living in a giant lunch box on the beach this is your cup of tea though. Embarrassing.
West Virginia Cat Fight Featuring Textbook Mandible Claw
First Of All
Yes
Yes
Looks Like My Old Catchers Mitt But Still Yes
Street Fighting 101: The Mandible Claw
This isn't your standard girl fight what with hair pulling and flailing open hand slaps and bags and tampons flying everywhere. And yes I understand that this is part of a pre-meditated television show so this was probably choreographed to the nines-- But I also assume that this is par for the course in West Virginia everywhere else there aren't cameras. Just Appalachians going nowhere with nothing to do but meth and hone their fighting technique. That move, the mandible claw, is pre-meditated and savage and has probably been taught to her through some sort of redneck hillbilly fight club up the holler. Translation I have the oddest fear half-chub of my life.
But seriously -- girl in pink -- call me, if you can get one of those kids from MTVs Buckwild to drive you into town to the pay phone.
PS: RIP Shain Gandee
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Doug Flutie's Daughter Is A Bolt Girl
The fact that she's the daughter of Flutie completely overshadow's that weird crazyeyes thing she has going on. Crazy eyes are terrifying, and they are a complete and utter deal-breaker in any conquesting situation other than if you're a famous quarterbacks daughter. Can you imagine how great it would be to actually eat Flutie Flakes, at FLUTIES HOUSE? Go practice dropkicks and stuff while you re-create the BC catch.
Oh yeah and fake tits. Those too.
Tucking Button Down Shirts Into Jeans Is An Atrocity And Should Not Be Accepted Under Any Circumstances
The same goes for wearing jeans and a blazer.
This is one of those divisive issues that guys either agree with or don't, and the fact that this sort of look is acceptable is baffling to me.
It is never, NEVER, acceptable to tuck a shirt, any shirt, into a pair of jeans. If you want to tuck, or look presentable, wear khakis or slacks or any of the litany of other leg-coverings available to upstanding gentleman of society.
Some people will present the argument that some "jeans" are "designer" and meant to be tucked in. If you are a man, and you own a pair of jeans that cost more that $50 than you should close this window, go close the door behind you and join the Peace Corps or something because there's just no helping you.
I Figured Out The Exact Day That Pete Carroll Sold His Soul To The Devil
This is not a tongue-in-cheek way of saying that he's on a hot streak. Everybody knows he's on a hot streak. What people might not know about is how outrageously PC's life turned around on October 21, 2001. After getting fired by the Jets, fired by the Patriots, and starting off at USC with a 2-5 record, Carroll did the only thing he could do to save his coaching career: made a deal with the Dark Lord. Too much awesome shit has happened to this guy for any rational person to brush it off as a coincidence. After a loss on October 20, 2001, Peter Carroll's life took an insanely awesome turn that is completely, absolutely, inexplicable.
Let's go back in time. On October 20,2001, Carroll's Trojans lost to the Notre Dame Murderers 27-16. That sent their team to 2-5 on the year with losses to Washington, Stanford, Oregon and K State. He was staring down the barrel of another firing and going home to his wife and getting back in the unemployment line again. Then he wakes up on October 21st, has an offer from Bealzebub, mulls it over for awhile, then reluctantly accepts. Hopefully, it was more of an Elizabeth Hurley from Bedazzled sort of Satanic luring, but only one person can really ever know.
Anyway.
Since then: SC goes 74-4 for the rest of his collegiate career. He gets Carson Palmer. He has the Reggie Bush/Matt Leinart machine that literally looked like a high school team playing against pop warner 12 year olds. I mean for Christ's sake he made Mark Sanchez look like a good quarterback. The Heismans, the national championship, getting voted the best college football team of the decade, the list goes on: all facilitated by Satan. I mean, you guys remember how stupid good Reggie Bush was in college right?
Oh, the NCAA sanctions? Let me put you on hold for a second - Hey USC I resign Bye
Now, at Seattle, he has a ProBowl QB and [arguably] the best defense in the league. How did he build all of this? With top draft picks and high profile trades and mega-contracts right? Wrong, WRONG.
Russell Wilson, Third Round 2012
Richard Sherman, Fifth Round 2011
KJ Wright, Fourth Round 2011
Kam Chancellor, Fifth Round 2010
Byron Maxwell, Sixth Round 2011
Every single one of these guys are ProBowl caliber players [maybe with the exception of Maxwell] and they were all found after every other team had passed them over 4 or 5 times. Now, they will most likely win a SuperBowl with him. There is absolutely no rational explanation for Russell Wilson being this good. None.
RICHARD SHERMAN, FIFTH ROUND DRAFT PICKOh and by the way, you think this whole 12th Man thing is a coincidence? Nary. Demonic powers summoning decibels straight to the top.
Carroll pre Oct.21: sucks. Post Oct. 21: crushing life, the NFL, and winning the football lottery 15 times. Think about it.
UCLA Fan Girl Getting Trucked By Beers At SC/LA
It's simple: Women lack the survival skills necessary to be make accurate, succint, cognitive decisions in just about any situation. The innate sense of logic, the guiding principles that tell men to hunt, gather, and build shelter, to build the Eiffel Tower out of steel and brawn; all of these things are replaced in the female brain by pinterest and hashtags and bags and crazy and the need to hunt for money and NBA players.
Case and point: it's not her fault, it's nature's fault.
The Clippers Are Worried About Going On A Road Trip Without JJ Redick Because Apparently This Is 2006 And They Are Duke
The Clippers are embarking on their longest trip of the season, a seven-game, 11-day excursion that will test them because of the grind and the absence of one starter and a key reserve.
Only three of the teams the Clippers will face had at least a .500 record going into Monday night's games. The Clippers play their first game on this trip in Atlanta on Wednesday night.
But the Clippers won't have starting guard J.J. Redick, who will be out six to eight weeks after breaking, and tearing ligaments in, his right, shooting hand. Redick won't need surgery, the team said.
Backup small forward Matt Barnes also will be sidelined at least another week while recovering from surgery on his left retina.
JJ Redick is a decent NBA player. Let's not trifle that. He's not the end-all-be-all and he hasn't been since he would shoot from Redick Land in Cameron. This team is CP3 and Blake Griffin and the surrounding cast of characters and that should be enough to get them a decent seed in the West. Stay true to who you are, and please, please, PLEASE do not embarrass me this year. It's been a Laker town for far too long and that just drives me absolutely batty.
Monday, December 2, 2013
USC Signs Stephanie Sarkisian, Significant Downgrade From Layla Kiffin
Families are always rising and falling in America. Hawthorne said that. I learned that from The Departed.
If you gauge the level of excellence of a college football program by the level of boner that the first coach lady or however you want to say that, this is a significant downgrade. SIGNIFICANT Since, however, I am of the opinion that true football left this town when the NFL dicked over Al Davis, this is all of the analysis I can present on this matter.
Diane Lane Newly Single, The 15 Year Old Inside Me Rejoices
TMZ: Josh Brolin and Diane Lane are officially divorced ... this according to court documents obtained by TMZ ... and it's clear, Diane is looking to get her old identity back.
Lane -- who recently appeared in "Man of Steel" -- initially filed the divorce docs back in February, seeking to end the marriage that began in 2004. Lane had cited "irreconcilable differences" for the split.
The docs, filed November 27 in L.A. County Superior Court, show that Diane and Josh have some sort of private financial arrangement ... and she's checked the box to NOT seek spousal support outside of their arrangement.
She's old now. Let's get that straight. But in her days she was a GOAT. See, here's the thing about an LA themed Barstool, is that we get complete first dibs on all of this gutter TMZ shit. That's what this town is. It's fake tits and douchebag celebrities and sports? maybe not so much but there are a ton of teams here to keep this afloat.
This is like if you were a nerd in high school and then filled out in college and then went and took down one of the popular girls over Thanksgiving break for spite. You didn't want to, but you just had to do it for the 14 yearold inside of you that was getting stuffed into lockers and didn't even have a chance. That is what this is. Maybe there's a chance- and maybe is good enough.
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